It never fails that when you have a new beginning about to start, you think about the end. In the most non-morbid way possible. The other day I was getting the kids lunch, I grabbed three plates, three cups, three spoons. Sliced two apples and divided their parts evenly. Grabbed some chicken to cut up, and threw some snap peas and dip onto the plates. As I was doing this I couldn’t help but think…soon I will be doing this for four. Everything is going to increase by one, which is so exciting but also kind of intimidating when you happen to be just one human being yourself. Of course pregnancy thoughts just can’t leave it there. The mind just had to spiral out of control. It takes a twist into will I be able to give them all the attention they need? I mean Pierce and Avalon seem to be okay and they didn’t receive the kind of attention Ace did. Will I be able to make sure that each and every one of them gets the right about of hugs and kisses a day? Will the number of books we read be significantly decreased (probably)? Will they all get bathed? Or will I have the smelly kids on the playground? How exactly does one break up a knock down drag out fight while breastfeeding? And down the rabbit hole we go…
I remember when I was pregnant with Pierce I had so much doubt, worry and guilt during that pregnancy. I kept thinking, how is Ace going to feel? We didn’t ask him if he wanted a sibling, and a sibling so close in age nonetheless. I was so emotional towards the end of that pregnancy because I felt like I had to soak in so much with Ace. Take every picture. Keep him in our bed longer. Cuddle at every chance we got. I was actually pretty happy that Chris was away at OCS during this time because it was just Ace and I. We spent that last month of pregnancy just the two of us. Going to the hospital to have Pierce was so nerve wrecking. Not only was I about to have a baby without my husband, but it was the first time I had ever left Ace. Panic attack while my water was leaking was quite the double whammy. We went from the two of us to the three of us. I found a lot of confidence in myself and my parenting for keeping these two little boys alive for two months until Chris came home. All the doubts I had went away, and honestly they had no choice.
All these same thoughts came on with Avalon. As excited as I was to be having another baby, I was anxious. I just didn’t know how I was going to take care of three under three. They say it takes a village, well my village happens to live in the lower 48. I am so grateful that my mom stops everything to come up here and help out those first weeks of bringing home a new baby. But, I am human after all, worry creeps in.
So here we are, counting down the weeks until baby girl gets here. We still have nothing setup. Which is quite normal for us. We excel at procrastination! I have no doubt that everything will fall into place as it has in the past, and the love and excitement of bringing home another baby will cloud any of the foolish thoughts hormones can bring about. Until then I shall soak up every crazy minute with these three, who never fail to make me want to rip out my hair while simultaneously making my heart explode!